My Demons and Unconditional Love and Grace

I was brought up in church.  First, I went to a Baptist Church and then Pentecostal.  When I moved in with my fiancé I was introduced to but did not attend Catholicism.  Each left me with beliefs I still have to this day and each left me questioning things regarded as true or important in each one.  This has left me to develop my very own, unique relationship with God.  Each organization has too many holes in them, therefore organized religion does not appeal to me at this point in my life.  I see people every day that go to some church or another that are good people, but I feel their judgement (not Christian), I see their anger towards those that made mistakes and hear the words they speak of condemnation as soon as the mistakes are made (also not Christian and, technically a lack of forgiveness and mercy), and I notice how erratically they work to "follow the law" and do works by their own hands to build themselves a sure-fire ticket to heaven.  I am in no way putting anyone down.  These are hard-working people with faith in God and do exactly what they feel they should and need to do according to what they were taught to believe.  I enjoy listening to a good church service.  I read my bible and try to live by it.  I own devotionals and crosses and pray. 
My point being through all of this discussion about church and why I do not go is really simple.  People have been too concerned with doing in this tragic world but not concerned enough about listening, flying under that protective wing that gently reminds us we are none of us better than another and we should be thankful for the unconditional grace and love that no one really even deserves without Him.  I can't throw a stone.  Can you throw a stone?  Have you never made a mistake?  I have.  Everyone I know has.  I bet you fucking have!  Did you see mine? 
I live amongst the demons that haunt many believers out there.  I curse, honestly, quite often when I am not around others.  There have been dark days that required more than a pint of ice cream and a spoon to survive; but that's survival.  I have days I cannot control the craving to escape from my own mind.  I never stop thinking.  Still, I fight anger so deep that, when triggered, could compare with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Forgiving is hard but forgetting is harder than anything I could be asked to do.  What do you do when you feel cornered?  What do you do when you realize time won't go in reverse?  Anxiety attacks my mind and tells me nothing will turn out right and I can't do anything.  It attacks my body with stress hormones, mixing with the "coping skills" I used.
All I know is no one can know.  You are given choices but those don't come with blame and excuses.  They only come with consequences, and the rest that you can't control will be dealt with as it comes along.  Only my spiritual relationship and grace and unconditional love with God make me realize that goodness, protection, and peace are always within me, no matter how many demons knock at your mind (because they attack your mind since the mind runs everything else) in order to tempt you to cope with chaos that surrounds your life.  I will never deserve it.  I will always be grateful, though.  I am grateful that after years of feeling broken and knowing I was irreparable, there is no human broken.  We are whole, complete, and already righteous people; and I know I am forgiven. 
I am not trying to be a damn preacher.  I just wanted to share what I learn sometimes.  You don't have to believe me.  You can ignore me.  I don't really give a shit.  I just hoped someone without a hope might gain a new perspective.  Not a Christian?  Think of it as self-help.  I have friends that don't believe in God but want that peace.  That peace is grace.  The grace is from Him.  Love is the most powerful emotion; therefore by filling yourself with love will accomplish the same effect only without the stigma of being called "grace".  As for me, I cannot deny God, so I will call it grace.  May you find this grace that is given, definitely costly, but free to anyone, so please be grateful!